12 hours BDG - DPK

09.30 AM
I'm in train station, waiting for my train at 2pm. Such a looong wait I know and I’m alone. Most of people would be so lonely then playing with their bestfriend-technology. Using phone to scroll social media, listen to best playlist, watch latest download of movie or drama. But I'm too stingy-even to myself, just for using my mobile data and phone battery. So, I just keep taking sleep (long as I could) or watching people there.
---
10.00 AM
Sitting left beside me, a man. An old man, to be specific. A double couple actually. So there are two old men and two old women. Around 70, I guess?
An old man beside me looks so uneasy. I don't know what he says because he's using Chinese. He keeps searching something in his luggage trembling. After minutes, he want to put a trash. And her wife ordering him to say excuse to us–people he through by. I can see he walk little bit unsteadily.
His wife doing conversation with her friend. And two old men stay silent sitting beside their each wives. 
Their train is coming. And each one of them taking one luggage. Again, wife of old man ordering him how to bring the luggage well. I can see the old man cannot do well. The rolls are flipside. I wonder is wife really love the old man so she keeps ordering him to do everything because she believe he can do all by himself and make him to be independent? But I wish, she can lend a little help so his husband could walk in comfort, she can lay her hand in his waist so they can walk together.
Then again, I don't know if they're a real couple or not.
-
Sitting right beside me, a family. A woman, an old woman, and children at backside–most of them boys. The children keep talking each other, telling jokes. Her granny looks so annoyed and tell them to keep their mouths shut. To add, she threating to lock them in bathroom once. She tell them if they want to sleepover at hers, they must be good quiet boys. Funny thing is, when she asking their preference between her and their another granny (I think she just want to make sure they could be quiet), they don't pick her. I wonder are they really tell the truth or just making some joke to their granny? But could the old women say good things or pick good words to tell them quiet? Or she just could ask them to lower their voice since they must be bored if they keep shut?
Still, I don't know how long they've been together today and how bad she handle her patient all day.

06.00 PM
Wednesday. It's a weekday. I'm taking commuter line train and I know it must be full since it's already passed work hour. As I get in the train, I hear someone snoozing. A little loud actually. If this is the first time I use commuter line train around this hour, I may get annoyed and will grumbling myself. But I'm not. And looking her sweating in cool temperature, her glasses slipped to her mouth almost fall, I guess she just really tired. After some stations, thank God, I can sit. I'm sitting near the woman. Sitting beside me, a younger woman wearing work outfit look. She is recording the snoozing woman beside her. An Instagram video. I cannot understand what is younger woman's purpose. What making me angrier is, she's adding monkey-face emoji right on snoozing woman's face. I really want to ask the younger woman, is she knows the snoozing woman? Is she knows how hard the snoozing woman has been through today? Is she know how hurt the snoozing woman to breath since she is big size, so that is why she snoozes to let her breath?
Then again, I don't know how hard the younger woman's work today too. I don't know how long she handle her patience to not get annoyed with the snooze sound.

07.00 PM
I'm waiting a campus bus on shelter. Wondering is life this cruel, or am I just being too sensitive? Thinking that we can get married and live with unexpected not long lasting romance. We can have a family member who hard to say a good words. We can meet someone who is making any one else as a joke. Why is people not living and treat another like they want to be treated?

After all, there's always a person who keep wonder alone in their thought, making some negative thought and perception, conclude everything she saw with know nothing. Keep shut instead help. Too much thinking instead do what she thinks might be better.

Secret You Keep

There is one thing

A secret that you keep

Alone in your heart

Years by years

There is no one you told

A little thing, fade out fade in

Sometimes you forget

Sometimes you remember

Sometimes you think all time

Sometimes you don't care

Sometimes you can't get over it

But after all this time

Suddenly you wondering about the truth of secret

Because it just so bad and you cannot

(re)imagine that moment,

if it's really happen(ed)

And now you've been asking to yourself:

Is the secret you keep,

A real one or just an illusion of your fantasy?

is real or just a conclusion of your probabilities thought?

No matter it is

Real or just fantasy

There is one thing you should know

Forget or get it clear

Cause you never know,

the secret you keep

heart, in deep

could grow to be Hatred.

Good gone Bad

Life could be beautiful, everything happen as you expect. Wonderful as you wished. 

Until you gotta wake up, even if you already awake in reality. 

Because in sudden time, you may realize that those happy moments actually not yours. 

Some good things happen not to make you smile, but force you to smile. 

You want to choose your way but you cannot. 

Your dream-which finally you figured out after think about all year-

is right in front of you but you cannot reach. What's happen in your life

not always meant to be your rights. Yes, you may choose what you wants.

But life is not simple like that. When you choose something, 

you choose one between yourself or anyone else, ended up 

you choose what's happen next in your life.

In the end, all you have to do is try to understand;

There are moments happen to teach you how to hold your wants, 

how to please others, how to neglect your sad.

Well, everything happen for reason. Yes I know. 

I don't know if I can understand, but

.. at least I try.

Merantau ke Rumah

Nyokap pernah bilang. Hidup anak bersama orangtua itu sebentar, apalagi anak gadis yang akan hidup bersama pemimpinnya. Bahkan ada yang bilang bahwa orangtua hanya dapat memiliki anaknya sampai 14 tahun. Tahun selanjutnya, sang anak sudah akan memilih jalannya sendiri. Umur gue 22 tahun, dan nyokap udah sering banget mention nama anak-anaknya one by one akan 'pindah' rumah dari orangtua. "Bentar lagi kamu nikah deh, 1-2 tahun lagi." Kalaupun memang gue akan nikah dalam jangka waktu itu, 2 tahun masih lama menurut gue. Tapi tidak menurut nyokap. Dengan jatah hidup sebentar bersama anaknya, lalu ada diskon pula dengan 4 tahun gue kuliah di Bandung. Dan dalam ke-sebentar-an ini semua, I still don't make it count to be worthy.

Di suatu siang, nyokap akhirnya menegur gue secara tersirat dengan keras. Gue ini orangnya ketus. Dan akibatnya, gue sebenarnya sudah (mungkin seringkali) menyakiti hati orang lain. Mulai dari teman hingga orang yang lebih tua. Lebih dari apa yang udah gue sadari. Salah satunya adalah orangtua gue. Gue yang sering ngeluh kalau orangtua gue lupa sesuatu, gue yang sering marah-marah kalau orangtua gue gak ngerti apa yang gue kasitau.

Ada satu kalimat nyokap yang membuat gue berpikir banget buat intropeksi, menyadari bahwa gue sangat gatau diri. Hidup gue tuh udah 'numpang' sama orangtua, urusan apa-apa udah dibantuin. Tapi sedikit pertanyaan dari mereka, gue suka males menjawabnya serta dengan ketus pula. Padahal bicara lembut saja sudah bisa menenangkannya. Gue cuma anak, gak akan bisa balas sepadan, dan mereka pun sebenernya gak banyak minta. Padahal nyokap udah selalu jadi reminder gue yang seringkali lebih tau diri gue, dan bokap udah selalu ada waktu buat cari segala cara kasih yang terbaik buat keluarga. Then, I realized that I changed so much. Especially to them. Semakin tumbuh, gue semakin merasa dewasa yang merasa bisa hidup sendiri dan menentukan apa-apa sendiri. Berpikir bahwa gue sudah cukup bisa melakukan apa-apa sendiri.

Merantau ke Bandung mungkin bisa mengajarkan gue lebih dewasa, namun bisa jadi membuat gue sombong kepada orangtua, merasa bahwa gue sudah serba bisa. Padahal gue masih menjadi anak dari kedua orangtua. Mungkin hanya berlaku lemah lembut yang mereka minta. Karena orangtua selalu merasa ini semua sangat sebentar, anak mereka pergi dengan cepat tanpa sadar. Seperti nyokap dan bokap gue yang selalu merasa bentar lagi gue kerja, nikah, punya keluarga, pindah, dan kebayang-bayang sepinya rumah. Sedangkan anak ingin cepat dewasa, cepat-cepat mengejar cita-cita. Seperti gue yang 4 tahun seringkali terlalu nyaman menikmati Bandung. Padahal seharusnya gue sadar untuk menengok ke belakang, ada orangtua yang menunggu gue pulang.

Jika ada yang bilang, "Merantaulah agar tahu siapa yang dirindu." Maka, pulanglah agar ingat siapa yang merindu.

Depok

Four Years Paid Off

Empat tahun kuliah di Bandung, tepatnya di Telkom University. Dari yang awalnya gue gapernah tau ini kampus, gapernah ada pikiran buat kuliah di luar kota, and in sudden time jadi mahasiswa disini. Dari yang namanya STISI, sampai akhirnya sekarang Telkom University.

Empat tahun kuliah di Bandung, tepatnya di jurusan desain grafis. Bikin gue ketemu sama orang-orang yang macem-macem gayanya, sifatnya, pemikirannya, variatif. Dapet ilmu-ilmu baru yang gak hanya dari duduk di kelas aja. Tapi gue juga belajar buat gimana mengubah diri gue yang tadinya sangat menarik diri dari khalayak ramai, sombong, gamau peduli sama orang lain, hanya melakukan sesuatu cepat-cepat untuk menyelesaikan life steps aja. Gue belajar buat hidup bersosialisasi, gue belajar bahwa gue gak akan bisa hidup sendiri. Berkali-kali gue kebingungan saat dikasih tanggung jawab lebih, yang bahkan gue gapernah mengharapkannya. Tapi kepercayaan mereka yang bikin gue terpaksa (in a good point) mengubah diri. Ada saatnya gue gabisa terus-terusan menjadi pribadi yang sendiri, walaupun sebenarnya berusaha untuk mandiri. Gue gak akan bisa jadi hebat sendiri. Manusia itu bersosialisasi. Belajar menghargai, menghormati, berbagi. Gue manusia, dan manusia itu lemah. Maka gue butuh orang lain. Sampai akhirnya gue lebih membuka diri dan berusaha sebisa mungkin mengurangi sifat gue yang egois dan gak pedulian sama orang. Kuliah membuat gue percaya bahwa senang bersama-sama memang lebih baik daripada senang sendiri. Berkali lipat lebihnya.

Empat tahun kuliah di Bandung, tepatnya dari mulai TPB sampai TA. Tugas-tugas yang dulu gue gak ngerti apa tujuannya, sampai akhirnya sadar bahwa semua ada gunanya. Dari kelas TPB13-G sampai kelas GD13-B, ketemu temen-temen yang bukan cuma bisa diajak ngomongin orang (well, of course kurang-kurangin sih) tapi juga bertukar pikiran. Gue bersyukur sistem kelas gue yang kayak SMA, gak diacak per setiap matkulnya. Karena sistem ini bikin kita punya memori yang lebih banyak, jalan bareng lebih sering, dan jadi support system yang lebih baik. Gue yang dari dulu susah banget buat story telling, suka paling gak dimengerti sama orang kalau cerita, atau yang omongannya gak bermakna cuma sekitaran itu-itu aja. Selama kuliah gue akhirnya berusaha bukan hanya berbicara tapi juga belajar mendengarkan. Banyak banget pembicaraan yang bikin gue lebih berpikir, lebih mendapat banyak ilmu, walaupun padahal ngobrolnya ya sama temen-temen doang. Ngobrol buat gue seringkali sebenarnya bukan basa-basi. Tapi adalah salah satu cara buat gue tau gimana orang itu berpikir, berperilaku, apa yang dia suka, dan apa yang dia gasuka sehingga gue bisa approach dengan baik ke mereka.

Empat tahun kuliah di Bandung, tepatnya menjadi angkatan DG-13. Asli. Bangga banget jadi bagian dari angkatan ini. Gue banyak ketemu temen yang punya potensi. Temen-temen yang gak sombong buat bagi ilmu, saran, kritik, referensi buat bikin karya lebih baik. Temen-temen yang gak egois tapi care sama gue yang pemalas, sering banget mereka ingetin gue buat kerjain tugas dan gak ninggalin temennya gitu aja. Temen-temen yang bawel banget suka sebut gue galak atau yang lainnya, tapi justru bikin gue merasa diterima di circle ini. Kegigihan, jiwa kompetitif, dan karya-karya mereka ngajarin gue buat gak gampang puas dan inget bahwa selalu ada langit di atas langit.

Empat tahun kuliah di Bandung. Empat tahun yang sudah dilewati. Empat tahun yang kita isi. Empat tahun yang mungkin gue tidak ingat pasti bagaimana awalnya. Karena dengan begitu saja, empat tahun ini selesai dengan tiba-tiba.

Thankyou for every little pieces, memorable memories. We can have a big laugh or a little sigh for this ending, but remember. Day's coming. And we keep singing. A lullaby has no ending, dreams within. See ya on top!

Proud Friend,
Hanna Syahidah

Renungan Singkat

Sebenernya gue mah apa, bilang kayak gini. Jadi muslimah seutuhnya aja belum. Islam gue belum kaffah. Iman gue masih sering turun, naiknya jarang, padahal levelnya aja udah di bawah banget. But one day this-everyday-saying really hit me.

"After Allah gave 24hours chances for you taking breath, doing so much things you can do, how many hours spent just to remember Him?"

Kayanya kita mah udah sibuk banget sama yang lain-lain, sampai 24 jam aja sering terasa kurang cukup buat ngelakuin kerjaan kita. Dulu gue pernah baca cerita dari seorang muslim Indonesia yang kerja di Arab Saudi. Dalam cerita itu masyarakat disana kok ya kebanyakan masuk kantornya siang banget, bahkan lewat dari jam masuk kantor. Sangat berbeda dengan di Jakarta yang berangkatnya aja dari subuh. Tapi ada yang menarik kalau adzan udah berkumandang. Mereka gesit banget. Bahkan kalau bisa sebelum adzan pun mereka udah keluar kantor buat ke masjid. Wew. Awal gue baca cerita ini, jujur aja gue gasuka. Bener sih seperti zaman Rasulullah juga setiap pasar bahkan ditutup kalau adzan udah berkumandang. Tapi cuy, bukannya kerja keras itu salah satu bentuk ibadah juga ya? Bukannya disiplin itu sifat dari Islam juga?

Nah, akhirnya jawaban itu baru-baru aja di Ramadhan ini gue dapatkan. Bahkan gue melakukannya juga. Bahwa kerjaan kita sebenernya di dunia ya cuma buat ibadah aja sama Allah. Gak lain. Semakin sibuk kita, justru semakin kita ngedeketin Allah. Dekat sama Allah bukan hanya sekedar ibadah yang banyak. Dzikir ke Allah gak cuma baca puji-pujian dan shalawatan aja.

Gue saat ini sedang masa mengerjakan tugas akhir kuliah. Kalau boleh blak-blakan progress gue tuh lemot banget. Ketika h-3 deadline yang seharusnya progress sudah 75%, gue bahkan belum menyentuh sampai 20%. Sepanjang hari kemarin gue cuma procrastinating sama hal-hal yang gak prioritas buat diri gue sendiri. Selama gue menunda ya gue stres sendiri, tapi gak ngerjain-ngerjain juga. Masuk ke Ramadhan ini juga, sama aja. Progress gue tetap lambat. Yang beda hanya satu. Paling engga gue berusaha saat-saat procrastinating itu gue pake buat ngaji atau shalat sunnah. Gue bukan mau pamer ibadah, gak ada yang perlu dipamerin juga karena ibadah gue gak sekeren itu kok. Tapi gue mau pamer bahwa dengan hal yang gue lakuin itu buat gue belajar sadar dan merasa lebih dewasa (well, at least menurut gue). Hal ini sama sekali gak bikin TA gue dengan ajaib selesai. Gak. Tapi hal ini buat gue lebih santai, gue selalu ngerasa bahwa pasti TA gue akan selesai tepat waktu. Tentunya sambil gue memaksa diri buat ngerjain sih.. Hanya, karena gue udah berniat untuk menjadikan Ramadhan ini gak sia-sia dengan kemalasan ibadah gue, jadwal buat ibadah gue lah yang ngeharusin gue mau-gamau ngerjain TA.

"Ayo ih, kerjain sekarang kan nanti mau tarawih." Something like that.

Gak cuma bikin jadwal gue lebih teratur, hal yang gue lakukan ini juga bikin gue dzikir sama Allah gak sebatas bilang "Subhanallah, Alhamdulillah" dan lain-lain. Untuk memuji Allah banyak-banyak mulut gue gak semampu Rasulullah. Gue selalu berusaha dzikr (which is the true meaning of dzikr is "remember") dengan positive thinking sama Allah. Setiap gue stres gue gak sepintar itu merangkai kata dan menyampaikan cerita dengan baik ke orang lain, jadi gue ceritanya ya ke Allah. Ngeluhnya ke Allah. Minta bantuinnya ke Allah. Selain itu, cerita sama Allah gapernah salah karena cerita kita gak akan bocor, nangis sebanyak apapun gak akan dibilang cengeng, ngeluh sebanyak apapun gak akan dimarahin dan dipaksa. Hanya, kita perlu ingat Allah berfirman dalam ayat-Nya (QS 13:11, yak dibuka ya sis al-Quran nya:))

Jadi, at least, 1 dari 12 bulan deh kita jadi lebih rajin inget Dia. Sebenernya kehebatan Allah gak kurang atau jadi lebih karena kita ibadah. Gak ngaruh. Tapi kitanya yang butuh. Gimana mau ditolongin kalau kita gak minta tolong?

You vs You

Mirror mirror on the wall

Who's the meanest of them all

Standing on the mirror who the evil

The enemy you fight is real

Why oh why, how could this be

Piece to piece in my body

Going harm, getting hurt, having no ending

Each to each worry but no sorry

You may own the body, got brain in perfect

But closed door in heart, sound of it cannot crack

You wary, nervous, shaky, too much clearly

No wonder what is happen, sick and wreck

Scared with rejection, light up your sorrow

Then you become a doll

Hiding behing wall

Age only number, realize now

Still such a kid have no courage at all

Should we celebrate Happiness Day?

A little encouragement from your lecturer, a simple joke from friends which telling you they care about you, had super comfy worn-out shoes as your companion these years, found out your favorite brush style, wake up in the morning without alarm, finally got a best spot in library, ... ...

Those are little things from little things of my happiness this week. Like how I told you in some posts that I'm kinda introvert person. And in my alone-mode I usually start to think deeper, or I could say wiser (at least I try to :p) I think about how mu future will be cause I still cannot list true dreams and write my vision. I think about how much older I grew and how many achievements I had until this age. I think about my friends and how funny (in a good way) to me about our topic in conversation already changed to next step. I think about how my parents, sisters, brother grew up and grew old. Most of times, think of these things bring me to this conclusion: happiness.

I started going to stress everytime I think about my future. Not because I'm not confidence with myself, but I just really can't draw my dreams, know what I want. But I thank to God for time He gave so I got time to think think and think, to tell myself not being such a rush and enjoy every little progress. Then I remember about everyone in my life. People are being so lovely and care so much about me without asking much from me. Sometimes I think what I gave to them for being such a good person. I never give anything precious. But they constantly showering me love. I can't do anything good for them so I hope my pray enough to pay them back. That's why I thank to God for any little things. I surrounded by good people, good things. What is the reason I could stress or being sad for a long time? What is the reason I ask more for things I can't treat well? What is the reason I want anyone else's life in my beautiful life? What is any reasons??

Really!
I just need to praise some little things and by that, I just can't stop to mention all good things. I am writing this post because I just found out about International Happiness Day. I don't really celebrate as a happy day in one day. Because we (absolutely) can be happy everyday. But sometimes we forget. We forget that happiness is one of human rights, as Jayme Illien said. We forget to take care ourselves. We forget actually we're sad because we don't think more about happiness moment. We're sad because we are unfair to ourselves. We don't try to swim but let ourselves drown at the bottom of pool. 

So today, rather than to celebrate with party or doing any other charity, I just want to do a little thing. Remind myself and all of you,
Let's remember again together that we already had things enough to say "Alhamdulillah".

Farm House

To Brother

Changing

"A self that goes on changing is a self that goes on living." - Virginia Woolf

-

I adore this kind of words! I just getting tired for everyone who says that "everyone change" from negative perspective. What is wrong with changes? Unless you are not ready for it, maybe you never really know him/her is what's true. As human, I (really) do change. I transform. I live constantly, except I am statue-which I'm not, I really move! I make movement, change something in myself—under conscious or not.
Physically, of course, I grew a lot. From a cutey little sweety baby who giggles here and there, to a woman who try explore anything anywhere. I tend to think more rational, fed up my curiosity everyday, getting along with any kind people (failed sometimes), barely know what rights and wrongs, arrange priorities. I want to know more and more about myself. I try hard to do what I want at its best.

First thing first, what I change is my environment. I surround myself with positive people. The main reason is because as human I adapt. I try to surround myself with people who like to tell and share for goods. I try to get close with people who's not going to harm my feeling with harsh (even joking) words, but saying good compliments instead.

So for the better change, I choose to surround myself with good people. So welcome, good friends!

Chagiya Cafe

Solitude, Heals and Kills

Solitude is my healing time. I tend to be alone to reflect myself, wondering what happened and how days passed. I find it hard to tell what's going on me. I just feel tired to explain and arrange perfectly beautiful words in sentence. Telling myself to keep feelings alone better than talk to others and ended up with misconception.

In every single day, there is time that I don't feel to talk to anybody. I hate ito hear all noisy laugh, meaningless words, harsh jokes. But in silence we could talk. I always wanted to know, and never felt enough to hanging around with myself. I'm getting know and love myself more and more.

Gradient of red to yellow—orange-ish sky and chirping birds.
Open green grass with breeze make dancing trees and leaves.
Reflection at pond and sound of flowing water.
Night strolling at sidewalk under city lights. 

But that night. 

That night was different. That night I walked in a rush. Uncomfortable with those eyes of people. I hate to listen laughter of kids. I hate to see singing musician. I hate to know those families feel happy. I felt insecure. I felt afraid. Night was chill, cold to my bone. I couldn't feel peace in my solitude. I was getting more and more nervous. 

And so the time goes, I realized. That night is the first time. I'm alone and lonely. That night is the first time. Solitude kills me. That night is the first time. I thought I need someone to accompany. I miss someone who can I really talk to, share everything related, tell exactly what's on my mind. That night is the first time. I admit there's time I cannot be alone. Because I'm still human being. Need someone to talk and rely on.

Peta Park

Kraton

Pagi-pagi di Hari Kini

Tersedak-sedak aku di pagi-pagi. Membacanya membuatku langsung membuka obrolan kita terakhir kali. Meraung-raung aku jadinya. Aku tidak tau kapan terakhir kali aku bilang sayang padamu, kapan terakhir kali aku memelukmu, kapan terakhir kali aku terisak mengeluh padamu, kapan terakhir kali aku mencari-carimu, kapan terakhir aku mencium tanganmu. Sosokmu begitu kuat, begitu bisa diandalkan, begitu tidak pernah menangis di depanku hingga aku dapat memiliki kesempatan mengusapnya. Berkali-kali dirimu mengomel ini-itu tidak sebanyak sayangmu. Berkali-kali ketidakpedulianmu tidak sebanyak kekhawatiranmu. Sedihkah kamu memiliki kami yang tidak pandai menyampaikan cinta? Kami hanya seringkali memerlukanmu ketimbang menawarkan diri padamu. 

Dahulu, kita tertawa. Pada jenaka yang tiba-tiba ada dan hanya kita semua yang mengerti saja. Dahulu, kita saling menatap. Pada tiap pagi di meja makan dengan sarapan tersedia. Dahulu, kita ada banyak tanya. "Bagaimana hari ini?" "Capek, ya?" "Besok mau kemana?" "Mau makan apa?" Tapi semuanya selalu datang darimu, dan aku hanya menerima. Yang bahkan menerimanya pun aku tidak pandai.

Kini aku dewasa. Aku merasa semua sudah perlu kutanggung semua, hal ini hal itu adalah aku yang pegang semua. Sampai kita beda dunia. Aku anggap dirimu tak tau apa-apa, tidak membiarkan dan mengantarkanmu tau cerita dan suka dukaku. Tiba-tiba saja kamu jadi tidak tau apa-apa tentangku, "Loh sama siapa?" "Emang pernah?" "Kapan itu?" "Itu apa?"

Lalu aku sadar, kita jauh. Lebih dari jarak antar kota. Kita sejauh umur, yang tak tau kapan habisnya.

Aku rindu. Pada setiap canda dan senyummu. Aku mau. Memberi hadiah dan mengusap punggungmu pada lelah. Aku selalu. Sayang dan butuh dirimu.
Namun, aku tidak pandai pada semua itu. Hingga saat ini aku tau, we never could pay everything you give, Mom.