Story

Ever since we talk about things,

They were nothing unless words

Ever since we meet each other,

Those days just like everyday

Ever since we ask and tell story,

We barely know each other

Cause we never really talk,

Saying things just to please others

Choosing words which we think right as they preferred

Where is idea about flying to the moon

Where is the story about missing pet

How the kids find true idol

How the days could be spend longer than nights

Where is it? How is it?

I wanna sit down

Talk about things

My worry, my happy, my dream to be

I wanna listen story

Skenario Dunia

Skenario terhampar

Adegan terlepas-lepas

Silakan kepada aku, kamu, dan mereka

Mencoba, gagal,

Mencoba, gagal,

Mencoba, keliru.

Hingga menang pada porsinya

Naskah asli jadi satu

Percaya saja

Mulai dari setiap pagi,

Dan setiap kata "nanti"

Rencana-Nya,

rapi.

—

We could write dream,

bucket list,

resolution,

vision & mission.

Details to every sentences, as we put hopes within the dancing pen between the lines of the planner. Ready to check the lists, soon as possible.

//But whatever will be, will be//

Bad thing comes,

once or twice, unexpectedly. 

You might think,

"It's okay. It was all coincidences"

Sorry to say, but it's not. Things happen with reasons. There is no such a coincidence.

Sometimes we have to uncheck the list, just because it never been ours.

And it's okay to change the plan. Not because we give up, but we forgive ourself to let it go.

As a reminder;

what we do is make a plan, 

not to make it happen. 

We try but the result is not on us.

So, it's never wrong to make a new beginning, because we will always find a new chance in next morning.

Find

Find

Find

Find every chances,

Until we find what belong to us.

Secret You Keep

There is one thing

A secret that you keep

Alone in your heart

Years by years

There is no one you told

A little thing, fade out fade in

Sometimes you forget

Sometimes you remember

Sometimes you think all time

Sometimes you don't care

Sometimes you can't get over it

But after all this time

Suddenly you wondering about the truth of secret

Because it just so bad and you cannot

(re)imagine that moment,

if it's really happen(ed)

And now you've been asking to yourself:

Is the secret you keep,

A real one or just an illusion of your fantasy?

is real or just a conclusion of your probabilities thought?

No matter it is

Real or just fantasy

There is one thing you should know

Forget or get it clear

Cause you never know,

the secret you keep

heart, in deep

could grow to be Hatred.

Good gone Bad

Life could be beautiful, everything happen as you expect. Wonderful as you wished. 

Until you gotta wake up, even if you already awake in reality. 

Because in sudden time, you may realize that those happy moments actually not yours. 

Some good things happen not to make you smile, but force you to smile. 

You want to choose your way but you cannot. 

Your dream-which finally you figured out after think about all year-

is right in front of you but you cannot reach. What's happen in your life

not always meant to be your rights. Yes, you may choose what you wants.

But life is not simple like that. When you choose something, 

you choose one between yourself or anyone else, ended up 

you choose what's happen next in your life.

In the end, all you have to do is try to understand;

There are moments happen to teach you how to hold your wants, 

how to please others, how to neglect your sad.

Well, everything happen for reason. Yes I know. 

I don't know if I can understand, but

.. at least I try.

You vs You

Mirror mirror on the wall

Who's the meanest of them all

Standing on the mirror who the evil

The enemy you fight is real

Why oh why, how could this be

Piece to piece in my body

Going harm, getting hurt, having no ending

Each to each worry but no sorry

You may own the body, got brain in perfect

But closed door in heart, sound of it cannot crack

You wary, nervous, shaky, too much clearly

No wonder what is happen, sick and wreck

Scared with rejection, light up your sorrow

Then you become a doll

Hiding behing wall

Age only number, realize now

Still such a kid have no courage at all

Solitude, Heals and Kills

Solitude is my healing time. I tend to be alone to reflect myself, wondering what happened and how days passed. I find it hard to tell what's going on me. I just feel tired to explain and arrange perfectly beautiful words in sentence. Telling myself to keep feelings alone better than talk to others and ended up with misconception.

In every single day, there is time that I don't feel to talk to anybody. I hate ito hear all noisy laugh, meaningless words, harsh jokes. But in silence we could talk. I always wanted to know, and never felt enough to hanging around with myself. I'm getting know and love myself more and more.

Gradient of red to yellow—orange-ish sky and chirping birds.
Open green grass with breeze make dancing trees and leaves.
Reflection at pond and sound of flowing water.
Night strolling at sidewalk under city lights. 

But that night. 

That night was different. That night I walked in a rush. Uncomfortable with those eyes of people. I hate to listen laughter of kids. I hate to see singing musician. I hate to know those families feel happy. I felt insecure. I felt afraid. Night was chill, cold to my bone. I couldn't feel peace in my solitude. I was getting more and more nervous. 

And so the time goes, I realized. That night is the first time. I'm alone and lonely. That night is the first time. Solitude kills me. That night is the first time. I thought I need someone to accompany. I miss someone who can I really talk to, share everything related, tell exactly what's on my mind. That night is the first time. I admit there's time I cannot be alone. Because I'm still human being. Need someone to talk and rely on.

Thank God for Today

We busy playing with smartphone.

Don't know the sky turns orange from dawn.

We scroll timeline that we don't need to see.

Don't realize stars appears so shiny.

Head up and look up to the sky,

did we thank God for today?

-

That was really tiring day. Being as intern in Jakarta is not as easy as what I thought. About 2hours from home to work, multiple times equals 4hours. To be honest, at first I feel that I really wasted my life for 4hours on the way. I really shocked with the struggle and life in train.

But after one month being intern, I learned so many things. My 4-hours-in-train ain't really wasted. It was like I can learn new things everyday. Not just about design skill, branding, or any graphic design related things. But I learned so much more about life. How I change from the couch potato (or we can say "mager"-person) into grateful person (still learning though). How a little thing happens to be something to thank. How anything could I think about deeper than before.

And then, day by day I get more sensitive. I get teary eyes just because seeing mother with her tired child (well, you know how annoying them..) in crowded train at night. Or when I see old man/woman going alone with far destination.

Now, I know that "Jakarta itu Keras" or "Nyari uang itu susah" more than a saying. And I amazed with women who has tough personality. Women is really strong.

But from all of those (meaningful) days, the most thoughtful thing is: I learn that we have to be grateful. Because we'll be happier day by day as we always have something new to thank to God.

Thoughts on Sit

"I choose what I feel in my heart." 

But then she said, 

"No! You should feel what you think."

Girl, you're too cute. Your sister already using her brain too much. Possibly everytime she doesn't believe in her self.

-

Theory keeps me in line. But at times like this: theories kill me unrealized. People said, "don't worry cause we got no boundaries."

And yes. I'm the one who draw a line and make a boundary. Who let myself to keep me safe or give a try to be different than yesterday.

Youth

They say, we reached next step in our life. 

We're young to take responsibilities all at once. 

Besides, we're old enough to choose what we want and make a deal of it.

We actually fragile, yet we have curiosity and passion to being brave. 

Sometimes we're eager to take challenges, but sometimes we hesitate much to make decision.

People say that we're not kids anymore. And we may do things like the adult. 

The old think that our age is precious and the young say that they can't wait to be one of us.

As youth..

live with hesitations, spirits, tears, smiles

have courage, curiosity

crave for praises, success, true love

As youth, who's neither young or old. We passed hard times as we get more mature. 

We learned things as we get to know how to make priority in life.

As youth, who's got flame in heart and eager to take prestige. 

Take the risk to make it until the end.

But there are times

our curiosity cannot be fullfilled because our capability still not enough,

our courage is not enough to take big responsibilities.

Then we end up having big problem. 

But once we get through, that was just small problem we have to face it. 

So stay strong cause we're youth.

Smile if we still strong enough. Cry if we cannot hold tears. 

We may have many friends but all we need just some to count on. 

Because sometimes when we seek for answer, actually we just need shoulder. 

So control yourself cause we're youth.

We have dream to catch on. We do something that we're passionate about. 

Still, we can having fun when its time. 

And we let emotions burst out when we cannot handle it anymore. 

It's okay..

Because we're youth, too old to being said kids and too young to being said adult. 

So let's have a life.

Berbunga

Maret.

Aku harap kamu bunga.

Aku harap kita harum.

Aku harap kita berjumpa.

Jumpa di waktu yang tidak tertolak,

dan kita berbunga.

Percakapan Aku dengan Dia

Pagi, lalu siang. Sore, lalu malam. Duh, pagi lagi. Duh, kuliah lagi. Ya ampun tugasnya belum selesai. Ah, kebut aja deh sabodo teuing hasilnya.
Gitu-gitu terus. Tiba-tiba udah seminggu. Eh, bukan seminggu, gak kerasa sebulan. Sebulan yang tidak sesuai resolusi. Makan gak dipilih, bersih-bersih gak jalan, ibadah gak khusyu', tugas keteteran, buka-buka sosmed terus, gak produktif. Aaah..

Bosan. Bosan sama teman-teman. Bosan sama kos-an. Bosan sama kerjaan. Bosan.
Buka mata, ketemu langit-langit yang sama. Mandi dengan durasi yang sama. Baju gitu-gitu aja. Berangkat pulang kampus gak ada yang berubah.

Parah. Umur segini, tambah doang, gede engga. Ya ampun mau sampai kapan ya? Tanya-tanya terus tapi cari jawabannya di folder film. Hikmah film, katanya. Percuma kali, film selesai, hidup masih berjalan. Tiap hari mau hidup bareng film emangnya?

Yaudah ah, cari-cari di luar. Jauh-jauh dari yang gak enak. Mengasingkan diri yang paling disuka, kan? Pergi sana, keluar! Sendiri tapi tidak pernah sepi, kan? Sudah sana, jangan keluar!
Butuh teman, katanya. Tapi tidak mau yang ini, malas. Tidak pengertian, egois, mau enak saja. Tidak mau yang itu juga, ribet. Tidak peka, ingin tahu urusan orang, tidak mendengarkan. Ah, tidak nyaman.
Mau cari yang baru, katanya. Ayo, coba saja. Kesini bisa, kesitu bisa. Ketemu dengan takdir kan. Takdir butuh waktu, sedangkan ia tidak sabar.

Cari, cari, cari terus..

Ketemu?

Sudah pas?

Belum juga?

Sudah menyerah?

Masih ingin bersikukuh?

Ya ampun, bagaimana sih yang dicari?
Sempurna?
Hahaha, lucu dia. Mencari yang seperti itu akan habis waktu. Belum tentu ada. Ah tidak, tidak ada. Tidak percaya, kan? Ya memang, dia batu.
Terserah, tunggu hingga dia lelah.

Nah, akhirnya. Sudah lelah? Sudah tidak mau melanjutkan pencarian lagi?

"Percuma. Aku rasa tidak akan menemukannya, setidaknya pasti akan sangat lama. Aku lelah. Mengejar sempurna yang kubuat nyata, tapi kejarannya fana."

Ah masa? Kamu yakin? Tidak akan berubah pikiran, nih?

"Sudah, aku sudah. Aku sudah saja."

Kenapa bisa tiba-tiba begini? Kemarin-kemarin kan tidak seperti ini.

"Pagi itu aku melamun. Yah, memandang langit-langit kamar yang sama seperti hari-hari sebelumnya. Aku merasa lelah. Hasilnya tidak ada apa-apa, bahkan tidak bertambah sedikit pun. Karena harus ke kampus, aku mandi segera. Merasakan air pancuran seperti dicurahkan kasih Allah, segar. Mengancingkan kemeja yang kubeli sudah lama, masih pas. Mengikat boots yang aku impikan dulu. Keluar pagar kos, menuju kampus. Desir angin jam 8 pagi. Aroma masak warteg kesayangan. Jalanku seperti ringan. Bukan semangat, tapi tidak malas."

Sudah, karena itu saja?

"Tidak. Bukan hanya atau saja. Yang tadi sudah cukup banyak. Sampai akhirnya aku pulang dari kampus diantar teman dekat. Baik sekali mengantar sampai depan pagar kos. Selalu, setiap hari."

Oh, sudah mensyukuri teman yang sekarang?

"Ya. Tapi bukan hanya teman. Ketika aku membuka pintu kamar kos, aku bingung."

Bingung kenapa? Barangmu hilang? Dicuri? Wah, gawat! Daerahmu memang sedang rawan.

"Tidak ada yang hilang. Justru aku merasa lengkap. Aku bingung, apalagi yang aku minta kemarin-kemarin? Semuanya sudah ada. Kenapa aku haus jika aku sudah kembung?"

Ketemu jawabannya?

"Ya. Aku serakah. Aku selalu mencari tapi tidak pernah menikmati. Aku selalu meminta tapi tidak pernah menuang cinta. Aku sibuk menanam bibit baru, hingga buah-buah yang ranum akhirnya jadi busuk. Harusnya aku puas. Harusnya aku bersyukur. Semuanya sudah lebih dari yang seharusnya aku dapatkan. Aku hanya harus belajar sederhana."

Apa itu?

"Mengerti sesuatu bukan dengan memakluminya, tapi dengan mensyukurinya."

Aku Pulang dengan Dia

Dedaunan gantung di ranting

Kembang menunggu masa

Angin tertiup meliuk samping

Menyentuh telinga terasa

Pejamkan mata, nafas ini sudah lama

Senyum menyungging mesra

Lepaskan yang lalu dan dilema

Di sudut itu dia sangat kentara

Sudah sekian kali aku mencuri waktu

Sekejap lewat di bola matanya

Aku memang semau itu

Mengharap dia diam tak beranjak

Aku memang sesuka itu

Menyelinap di setiap sajak

Hari itu waktuku habis

Tapi tidak sesia-sia orang bilang

Dan hari itu aku pulang seorang diri

Tapi tidak sesepi orang bilang

Sore-sore dingin yang hari ini tidak aku benci,

aku mau memberitahu,

Hari ini dia seperti biasa

Masih cuek lengkap dalam ekspresi

Aku juga masih sulit menemukannya

Padahal setiap menit aku siap dihadirkan sosoknya

Ah, sepertinya dia bebal

Ramai memenuhi otak nih..

Kapan lagi bertemu?

Kapan lagi berpapasan?

Kapan lagi melihat wajah cueknya?

Kapan lagi mencuri pandang dari seberang?

Memang, buat aku

pulang sendiri tidak sesepi itu kok..

Independent Girl

Independent girl cannot wrong. She knows what best for her. She knows which one that she should choose. She loves herself. She loves her world. She loves everyone cause she proves hate is useless.

Independent girl cannot depressed. She passes her bad days and grows her hopes. She gives something to another cause with giving she never be poor. She gives her smile, her love, and her pray.

Independent girl never alone. She walks everywhere by herself cause she wants meet someone new. She travels the world cause she wants share anything to everyone.

Independent girl never bored. She thanks to God everyday. She plants flowers and feeds animals. She is happy if rain goes down so she cuddles with someone she loves and talks all night. She is glad if sun shines so bright so she rides bicycle with someone that she never forget and go picnic on green grass.

Independent girl is enough. She is not too much and she is not less. She is pretty with her way.

Saya Mau Bilang

Bulan menyeruak dari sembunyinya

Purnama indah, beruntung..

Bersamanya juga bintang yang jarang mau bergerombol

Saya mau keluar

Saya mau menembus malam

Padahal tidak tahan dengan si Angin

Padahal kaki meminta istirahat

Akhirnya ego kalah pada raga

Saya berakhir di kasur kamar

Hal biasa bersama lagu-lagu

Tapi pikiran mengawang-awang

Kebiasaan sudah..

Melarutkan rasa di bawah sadar

Menghentikan logika atas nama hal klise

Mengguratkan sebuah wajah di bayangan

Mengandaikan sesuatu fana

Fana tidak pernah sempurna, saya tau

Maka saya selalu bangun

Sadar penuh dengan imaji tadi

Saya memang kaku, juga saya bisa saja menunjukkannya dengan membunuh malu

Berkali-kali mengubur gengsi dan menyesali di akhir hari

Gengsi saya habis, malu saya mengering

Cahaya mata saya memancar, senyum saya banjir

Saya sudah jadi orang yang berbeda, sudah jadi orang yang berbeda dengan yang di kaca

Hanya karena si Pria

Yang suka saya maki di hati karena saya seperti gadis mengiba di depannya

Menuang suratan tersirat dan mengerahkan aksi hanya agar dapat liriknya

Saya tau sekarang

Dia sudah lama pula membalas surat

Tapi saya baru mau sadar dan baru mau membaca saksama

Isinya hampa kata, tidak memuji juga tidak menguji saya

Isinya tidak ada apa-apa, senyumnya tidak hambar tapi juga tidak untuk mengundang

Isinya sederhana, harusnya dengan mudah saya tangkap dan pahami

Dia masih duduk di haltenya dan saya bukan angkutan yang paling cepat serta tepat untuk mencapai destinasinya

Bukan bingung, karena saya tau apa yang saya lakukan

Bukan sia-sia, karena saya tau aksi kemarin-kemarinlah yang bisa membuat saya mau sadar

Bukan menyerah, karena saya masih senang hanya dengan mendengar namanya

Saya masih melewati haltenya

Saya masih membuka pintu dan akan membiarkannya dia naik jika dia tidak punya uang sepeser pun

Saya masih seperti kemarin

Hanya saja, saya berusaha menghargai

Saya berusaha tidak memburu lagi

Saya berusaha jadi sederhana saja,

memberi ketika kamu minta

memuji ketika kamu putus asa

memberi senyum ketika kamu lesu

Saya tau bukan apa-apa

Tapi mungkin bisa jadi sesuatu dari sekian sesuatu yang lainnya di hidupmu walaupun bukan Si Satu buat kamu

...........

Lah. Basi.

Saya mau lebih.

Saya mau kamu. 

Tapi saya bisa apa?

Saya tidak boleh memaksa. 

A Day

Smile is flowers in spring

All is more than I asked

Now I try,

making some beautiful words

To describe the day, the man, and the bestfriend

Nothing can make me happy like a little bird that cannot wait to make a first fly, nothing..

Now it's a day

Nothing, nothing better than today

When time could really just flies as wind blows

When smile could appear more than I ever thought

Nothing is better..

The way bestfriend could tell everything I wanna tell

The way she could know everything I want

Nothing is better..

The way crush could let my heart beats louder than ever

The way he could make me nervous just with he sees in the eyes

But there is something can make it better than this day,

if they were happy as I am.

Unhidden Secret

Seperti gajah di pelupuk mata tidak kelihatan, hal disembunyikan akan terlihat juga.
Toh di depan mata.

Tidak menutup mata sih, tapi menghalanginya dari pandangan. Padahal jujur pada diri sendiri itu bisa bikin ringan. Jujurnya itu loh, susah, takut, gak segampang ngabisin duit.

But someone said, "To start anything is the hardest part, yet 50% of process."
Menjadi dewasa itu mudah dan tidak mudah. Menjadi dewasa itu seru dan repot.
Menjadi dewasa itu enak, bisa membantu daripada dibantu.
Semoga kita adalah orang dewasa.
Dicoba saja:)

Closed Eyes

Di tiap pandangan yang hanya menuntun pada nafsu. Di tiap sela pancaran mata yang sulit diartikan.
Dengan mata, aku melihat wanita yang berbeda. Dengan hati, aku melihat bahwa semua wanita sama. Cantik. Cantik untuk setiap waktu yang wanita berikan kepada hal yang dicintainya. Dengan mata, aku membedakan kriteria fisik pada cerminan pria. Dengan hati, aku melihat bahwa pria tidak sebatas kriteria. Pria menyodorkan cinta dengan bekal lebih dari kriteria, yaitu penjagaan berselimutkan ketulusan. Dengan mata, aku mengurutkan teman satu-persatu. Dengan hati, aku melihat bahwa teman bukanlah yang selalu ada di tiap pembukaan mata. Teman hanyalah yang tetap kembali setelah saling berpisah.

Makanya aku bilang menutup mata itu indah. Habis, aku sering terperangkap dalam tangkapan mata. Padahal tidak menangkap arti sebenarnya. Tapi karena mata, aku terus tersodorkan hal-hal yang seringkali dengan mudah kunilai lewat kulit luar. Memang, mata berjasa. Hanya saja, kadang aku lelah. Ingin menutupnya sebentar saja. Sekedar mengistirahatkannya dan mengganti posisinya dengan hati.

Her Shoe

Just if people know that one sits alone, cause maybe she choose to be lonely. Maybe she choose to no one knows what she thinks. Maybe she just doesn't want anyone else to accompany. Maybe she feels nobody will understand her story.

That she just want to keep her smile when she looks everything he did. She just want to keep her words when she actually wanna say to him. She just want to keep herself to not make any different when she talk with him or others.

Maybe she just wanna keep everything. Cause she's too afraid if she have to stop to admire him. So that's why she's been the same everyday, talk to him just when she needs, not when she wants.

Lost in Blank

When things get rough, I can fix it.

But when there's nothing, what can I do?

I still get lost in my mind, getting nowhere. I am not thinking anything.

I just open eyes but not see, open ears but not listen, and shut my mouth sometimes.

-

Seperti hal yang tak terucap

Ingin diungkap tapi tak jelas

Dirasa walau sendu

Ingin diungkap tapi ragu

Aku cukup tau tentang hidup

Tentang apa yang aku lalui

Aku cukup tau tentang diriku

Tentang apa yang sering muncul di dalam hati

Seperti rasa yang berkecamuk

Tapi tetap rapat aku jaga

Seperti rasa yang menguasai

Tapi tetap tertahan meski sulit

Rasa yang rumit

Rasa yang tidak terdefinisi

Rasa yang begitu kuat

Rasa, aku merasa

Aku cuma ingin merasanya sendiri

Aku cuma ingin menahannya sampai rasa itu mati

Dan ketika aku diam, maka tinggalkan pergi

Karena aku hanya ingin menyelami

Rasa yang membuat hatiku berselimut sepi

Rasa yang menusuk ke nadi

Rasa yang merasuk dalam pikiran mimpi

Aku hanya ingin pergi

Biarkan aku lagi

Aku ingin menutup mata

Menghela panjang berkali-kali

Menangisi rasa

Say What?

It said that I have person who really annoy me, so just leave it out. Think easy.

It is Personality Quiz.

It said that I can post any photo without worry if quality is good or not, because no matter what someone will do 'double tap' as long as I use hashtag.
It is Instagram.

It said that I don't live this life alone with never-ending love story which not leads to happy ending.
It is Tumblr.

It said that once I click one of buttons like unfollow, block, and else, will really make a big war in life.
It is Twitter.

It said that life is fun, laugh at people who get something bad.
It is 9gag.

It said that I can make a conversation just using emoticons because they just more expressive than a true face.
It is Line.

It said that I can ask anything to anyone I want.
It is ask.fm.

It said that I can be a good singer.
It is soundcloud.

It said that everyone is pretty, photogenic, and good photographer.
It is Photoshop.

It said that writing is fun, and sharing thought is more fun.
It is You, Blog.

Actually those things is useful. Very useful. Help us to encourage ourselves. But sociality makes those bad assumptions I told above.
But what worst?
We are in same side with sociality, agree with assumptions.