Farm House

To Brother

Changing

"A self that goes on changing is a self that goes on living." - Virginia Woolf

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I adore this kind of words! I just getting tired for everyone who says that "everyone change" from negative perspective. What is wrong with changes? Unless you are not ready for it, maybe you never really know him/her is what's true. As human, I (really) do change. I transform. I live constantly, except I am statue-which I'm not, I really move! I make movement, change something in myself—under conscious or not.
Physically, of course, I grew a lot. From a cutey little sweety baby who giggles here and there, to a woman who try explore anything anywhere. I tend to think more rational, fed up my curiosity everyday, getting along with any kind people (failed sometimes), barely know what rights and wrongs, arrange priorities. I want to know more and more about myself. I try hard to do what I want at its best.

First thing first, what I change is my environment. I surround myself with positive people. The main reason is because as human I adapt. I try to surround myself with people who like to tell and share for goods. I try to get close with people who's not going to harm my feeling with harsh (even joking) words, but saying good compliments instead.

So for the better change, I choose to surround myself with good people. So welcome, good friends!

Chagiya Cafe

Solitude, Heals and Kills

Solitude is my healing time. I tend to be alone to reflect myself, wondering what happened and how days passed. I find it hard to tell what's going on me. I just feel tired to explain and arrange perfectly beautiful words in sentence. Telling myself to keep feelings alone better than talk to others and ended up with misconception.

In every single day, there is time that I don't feel to talk to anybody. I hate ito hear all noisy laugh, meaningless words, harsh jokes. But in silence we could talk. I always wanted to know, and never felt enough to hanging around with myself. I'm getting know and love myself more and more.

Gradient of red to yellow—orange-ish sky and chirping birds.
Open green grass with breeze make dancing trees and leaves.
Reflection at pond and sound of flowing water.
Night strolling at sidewalk under city lights. 

But that night. 

That night was different. That night I walked in a rush. Uncomfortable with those eyes of people. I hate to listen laughter of kids. I hate to see singing musician. I hate to know those families feel happy. I felt insecure. I felt afraid. Night was chill, cold to my bone. I couldn't feel peace in my solitude. I was getting more and more nervous. 

And so the time goes, I realized. That night is the first time. I'm alone and lonely. That night is the first time. Solitude kills me. That night is the first time. I thought I need someone to accompany. I miss someone who can I really talk to, share everything related, tell exactly what's on my mind. That night is the first time. I admit there's time I cannot be alone. Because I'm still human being. Need someone to talk and rely on.

Peta Park

Kraton

Pagi-pagi di Hari Kini

Tersedak-sedak aku di pagi-pagi. Membacanya membuatku langsung membuka obrolan kita terakhir kali. Meraung-raung aku jadinya. Aku tidak tau kapan terakhir kali aku bilang sayang padamu, kapan terakhir kali aku memelukmu, kapan terakhir kali aku terisak mengeluh padamu, kapan terakhir kali aku mencari-carimu, kapan terakhir aku mencium tanganmu. Sosokmu begitu kuat, begitu bisa diandalkan, begitu tidak pernah menangis di depanku hingga aku dapat memiliki kesempatan mengusapnya. Berkali-kali dirimu mengomel ini-itu tidak sebanyak sayangmu. Berkali-kali ketidakpedulianmu tidak sebanyak kekhawatiranmu. Sedihkah kamu memiliki kami yang tidak pandai menyampaikan cinta? Kami hanya seringkali memerlukanmu ketimbang menawarkan diri padamu. 

Dahulu, kita tertawa. Pada jenaka yang tiba-tiba ada dan hanya kita semua yang mengerti saja. Dahulu, kita saling menatap. Pada tiap pagi di meja makan dengan sarapan tersedia. Dahulu, kita ada banyak tanya. "Bagaimana hari ini?" "Capek, ya?" "Besok mau kemana?" "Mau makan apa?" Tapi semuanya selalu datang darimu, dan aku hanya menerima. Yang bahkan menerimanya pun aku tidak pandai.

Kini aku dewasa. Aku merasa semua sudah perlu kutanggung semua, hal ini hal itu adalah aku yang pegang semua. Sampai kita beda dunia. Aku anggap dirimu tak tau apa-apa, tidak membiarkan dan mengantarkanmu tau cerita dan suka dukaku. Tiba-tiba saja kamu jadi tidak tau apa-apa tentangku, "Loh sama siapa?" "Emang pernah?" "Kapan itu?" "Itu apa?"

Lalu aku sadar, kita jauh. Lebih dari jarak antar kota. Kita sejauh umur, yang tak tau kapan habisnya.

Aku rindu. Pada setiap canda dan senyummu. Aku mau. Memberi hadiah dan mengusap punggungmu pada lelah. Aku selalu. Sayang dan butuh dirimu.
Namun, aku tidak pandai pada semua itu. Hingga saat ini aku tau, we never could pay everything you give, Mom.